By Odolaye Aremu
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“Ikun, in his all-knowing, falsely-secured self is feasting on a trap-feast of Banana. A moment unlike any other- whereby his life is tentatively hooked to the slimmest balance, or an invincible wire. The final, but sharp orgasm of death ought to be loud enough to fully purge him of his lovely last meal!”- A Yoruba Proverb.
“It’s increasingly becoming alarming how some very smart people, folks well-educated, well traveled, decent men and women are putting their lives and those of their loved ones needlessly in harm’s way.
These are guys with enough sense to avoid the deathly path of a moving train. Would never find themselves alone in closed quarters, or choose to ride alone in a car with strangers. So skilled are these folks in matters of self-preservation, they would willingly grant a rampaging bull the right of way to simply avoid being brutally maimed or gored to death. In all, these folks are so careful they pray fastidiously before doing anything- even for the most mundane chores; including- eating, drinking, flying, kissing, sex, using the bathroom, waking up from sleep, and before hitting the sack; before and after taking any exams- including those health examinations only conducted at the Doctor’s.
These “ultra-cautious” grown folks are the same ones you see oversharing their private lives on social media. A major reason their own kids are particularly leaving Facebook in droves. I heard one tell her friends the other day on a crowded afternoon bus that- “dad’s become a Selfie-hog. Would you believe he took a picture of his own “poop” in the bathroom, in a delusional moment and to showoff the waste to his buddies- how his nasty “doo-doo”, smells golden?! I inched a bit closer to hear more. She continued, “meanwhile, the old Kook tenderly covered his nostrils, and still went on to caption his mess “Gentle Breeze; Golden Potty!”
I am not talking to you folks residing abroad; not to those with the innate urge to capture or announce their social freedom, success, posh lifestyles and their oversized egos- altogether furnished by an incrementally, massive network of insecurities while living under the protective shelters of some relatively legalistic societies. Those ones could be kidnapped or abducted anytime and the CIA, FBI, Mossad or the M15 would be on their case in a jiffy, and probably work overtime to secure their release at no cost at all! See…the cost’s been paid forward long ago in the social contract he’s signed as a tax paying, law abiding citizen in a society where the texts as contained in contracts are thoroughly binding!
I am talking to you Mr. Ikun! I am diligently sorry for you! You are the one with your precise location-app and the high-resolution camera being the most favored utilities on your smartphone! The Facebook crowd knows your “ins and outs!” They know when you are home, at work, or at your girlfriend’s. They know all the countries you and yours have visited, on vacation. You are sometimes bold to post your flight tickets and announce your itineraries online to “oppress” your followers!
Well, I heard from the grapevine that if you are lucky to be kidnapped in the Southwest, especially in Ogun State, you have a good option of surviving the ordeal, because the Ijebus-particularly, I hear would “haggle the ransom price with your family or any fairly good negotiator- *that’s alien and not from Ijebu or from Ijesa and certainly not any hybrid citizens from a place known as Ijebu-jesa.* The major reason for that Negotiating clause could be found on page 17 of “Marketing Strategy: The In-built Traps In Negotiations,” by Prof Ileyomi Ogbemisubu. In the South-South, they usually come in watercrafts, I hear those ones are good at dropping fools like you, like a load of “uselessness” in the ocean if they ever discover you aren’t actually “worth your self-acclaimed weight in gold”. In the South-Eastern States, I am sure your guess is as good as mine- those don’t even follow the “Cardinal Codes Of Kidnapping”. And I hear Cattle Rustlers from the Northern states are now joining the lucrative business of “Weekend Kidnapping” too! And with that, it seems to me that the noble business has definitely lost its blood-curling integrity; that cold-dignity by which we were drilled as kids to be respectful, civil, but be wary of strangers has now been replaced with an automatic, intuitive option- “when you are in the presence of one- run like hell!”
Therefore continue to showcase your empty life- I would love to see more of your delirium on full display. Kiss the banana. Tickle it like you would a- curvy love object. Make love to your last meal in open view. Stream the ordeal. Gain more followers. Let the immaterials of your life publicly loose, like -rusty trophies on a brimming chest made of glass. Open your door, or the windows, or best- hand over the keys of your innermost sanctuary to the thieves, the kidnappers and the other scum of the earth, and when it’s your turn to be kidnapped in this very tensed, present day Nigeria; where the rat-race to instant wealth starts or ends at being either a member of a Political Cabal, or a loner in a band of Kidnappers, or a champion mule for a Drug Dealer or the latest one-The Greenhouse Rice Merchant, I won’t feel too sorry for you!
But If you are lucky, I know a friend who could openly vent on your behalf, he could pour hot venom and invectives upon the appropriate authorities, and maybe- just maybe you would get your release! He’s done it before, he could do it again!” Abi I lie Dr Lanre Okunola?
Barka De Sallah To All My Muslim Brethren!
