Death obviously is not something good that we wish or pray for. But in situations where it happens, an individual has no choice but to live with the reality it brings especially in the case of losing a partner.
From the novel: To Love Again by Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi, Pete was tired of living alone after the death of his wife. He ached to have a woman beside him, a helpmate, a partner and a lover. Quite a number of times in the past, he had felt like being with a woman and he had been able to push the thoughts away without any problem.
But now, the thoughts refused to go when he met Bibi. He told his brother, Pastor Richard about Bibi: “I’ve met a lady … but there has been this funny feeling in me … as if I’m doing something wrong, as if I’m betraying my late wife by seeing another lady …”
His brother told him: “The feeling is common among people in this kind of situation … you are not cheating on your wife in this case. She’s no longer with you, unfortunately. And so you are free to remarry.”
Like Pete some widowers and widows are caught in the web of knowing the ripe time for them to remarry that may not expose them to any form of attack, say verbally or otherwise from families, friends, colleagues, associates etc.
Knowing the appropriate timing for remarriage would help to redefine the way someone would hold on to.
But for real, how long can a widow or widower stay before remarrying?
For Ayo Akinyoyenu, there should not be any specified time frame though one year is okay for a widower or widow to remarry once he or she is psychologically and emotionally balanced, not remarrying under any circumstance of being cajoled or not being able to cope with the demands and commitments of a new relationship.
Similarly Comrade Okechukwu Nwaguma and Clara Egbota believe a year is okay to mourn the dead after which he or she can remarry should there be a serious suitor.
“I don’t know if there is any religious, philosophical or scientific principle that can inform any opinion or decision on this. But I personally feel that a widow or widower who wishes to remarry can do that one year after the death of her/his spouse,” Nwaguma said.
Jenevieve Aken, who holds that she may not be in a better position to answer the question since she is still single, opines that it all depends on the decision of the widow/widower.
She believes marriage is a decision, where we have to break through norms because the affected is the one faced with gloominess or loneliness.
Prophet Gbenga Ajadi, noted that nobody prays for such but that the parties involved have their decisions to make. Even as he encouraged that it would not be a bad idea if they can stay a minimum of three years before cleaving to new partners.
“Actually it depends, nobody prays for it, but if happens, the widow or widower can stay a minimum of three years. For example, I lost my mummy in 1996, because my daddy is an elder in ECWA church in Ejiba Kogi State, he needed to marry quickly as a Christian. So it depends on individual perception.
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“Most widowers do not want to remarry because of the fear of losing the assets of their late husbands. While in some cases when the man or woman remarries; some may say he/she killed his/her spouse in order to remarry. You know people can quickly read meanings to things because of the African belief,” Ajadi said.
Another cleric, Rev. Agungbo Oladapo, believes that for Christians according to the Bible which he terms the constitution that guides their lives and influence whatever they do. That a man or a woman is bound to each other as long as both of them are alive but if one of them dies, the one still alive is free to remarry anytime he or she wishes to.
Oladapo stated thus: “The Bible counsels it is better to remarry properly than to present a facade that you are staying unmarried whereas you are having concealed intimate sexual relationship now and again.
“When you do that you are actually sinning and the consequences are better imagined than experienced. For no adulterer, fornicator, liar… has an inheritance in the kingdom of God. So depending on a lot of factors and the individual disposition a period of one year to three years post the partner demise the living partner can remarry but only in the Lord.”
In Jacqueline Ogoh’s response, the decision to remarry should be out of the feeling of loneliness or the perception of an emotional vacuum but at the fullness of time of a strong emotional and spiritual balance.
“First and foremost, it must be understood clearly that the word of God, which is the bible, permits a widow or a widower to remarry. However, I’m of the opinion that remarrying, should come after the grieving period, when the widow or widower is now fully positioned within his or her mind, to handle a long-lasting emotional commitment.
“..Going into marriage with a needy feeling will put your partner under pressure. An emotionally needy person often expects too much from a spouse. That ‘too much’ factor can crush the new marriage. Only the love of God can permanently satisfy the deep longings of the soul of man. It is terrible to set out, expecting the type of love only God can give, from man.
“But human beings embark on this bruising journey often. It should not be so. No spouse can love you unconditionally like your creator. Due to the very lack of this understanding, many marriages break. The acceptance of this hard truth, not only will help, but will save anyone!”
Concluding, Ogoh said any widow or widower, who finds true love after grieving, is blessed. That apart from having a life companion, if they have kids, they will enjoy having a second parent again and growing together as a complete family.
She however concurred with Rev. Oladapo that God takes no pleasure in a widow or widower who refuses to remarry, but fornicates at will. Ogoh also cautioned individuals against mocking or making heartless comments about widows and widowers who choose to remarry.
Akinreti Nurudeen posited that widowers in Islam are permitted to remarry anytime they want to unlike the women who would have to wait for four months and ten days otherwise known as the Iddat/waiting period. For widowers who have polygamous homes, he believes remarriage for such may not be of necessity.
Nurudeen also warned that Q’uran forbids widows/widowers from messing around.
