CHEATING in marriage is a common phenomenon today. In one way or the other, spouses cheat on themselves and defile their marriage beds. Statistical records show that by the 8th and 10th year of marriage, 80% of couples – one or both – would have being sexually unfaithful!
Why is this so? Why do spouses cheat on each other? Can our marriages be free from this plague? What are the causes of this terrible behaviour and can there be any solution?
The first reason why spouses cheat is when one partner feels that they have been forced or trapped into the marriage against his or her wish.
Unwanted pregnancy or an arranged marriage where there is actually no genuine love and commitment could be a reason for any of them to cheat on the other.
As much as parental advice or pastoral counseling is good, when it comes to decision making, your will should be paramount. God who has the final authority over our lives still allows us to take certain decisions on our own. It is wrong to marry someone against your wish.
Though parents want the best for their children, when it comes to marriage, the best thing is guide those intending to marry and help them make the right choice, taking cognizance of their will. Be man enough to make a firm decision on the choice of your marriage partner, it will go a long way to stabilise your marriage and help the two of you weather the storms of life together.
It is also advisable not to patch up a problematic and faulty courtship. If there are obvious reasons why the relationship should not be solemnized, it is better to call it quits. A broken courtship is better than a frustrated, heartbreaking and hypertensive marriage that may invariably lead to divorce.
Let’s examine it. Why do people long for marriage? Firstly, it is the desire for a committed relationship based on a readiness to be a blessing to another person.
The second reason is the desire for marriage due to the belief that it will make us complete, secure and happy, or provide something lacking in our lives as singles: needless to say that this second reason for marriage is not valid.
Marriage can make you many things, but there is no guarantee that it would make you complete, happy or secure. If you cannot feel happy as a single person, you will never be as married, because the single ‘you’ is the same married ‘you.’
No miracle is going to happen after the wedding. If you are unhappy, unproductive, insecure, or immoral as a single, you will be the same as married; no other human being can make you happy apart from God. Miracle can only happen when you work on yourself and develop a positive mindset about life.
Marriage should not be a goal we aspire to, but a decision we make after God has assisted us in the choice of partner. Too often, l see singles forcing themselves on any available person. The result is usually a life of misery, compromise and cheating on each other and, eventually, divorce. As much as you attach importance to marriage, it should never be rushed into. After all, it is not a do-or-die affair.
Curiosity, they say, kills the cat. There are instances where a partner wants to try something new either for the fun of it or just to satisfy his or her curiosity and, sometimes, to prevent boredom.
Most times, a partner does not just get curious unnecessarily and deliberately cheat on the other. It may be just because the other partner is not being sensitive to the other’s sexual desires, cravings and needs, and so desires to try something new, something spicy and something tasty.
He or she just wants to experience some fun and get out of the routine of having sex only in the bedroom with the lights out, with the same bedspread, in the same [missionary] position. I am sure you would laugh and think that’s not enough reason for a partner to cheat on the other. But you would be shocked to hear the agony in the voice of some spouses after the deed has being done and the worst has caught up on them.
Partners should not take each other for granted, thinking ‘once married ever committed.’
Ordinarily, our spouses should be committed to us after marriage. This is not a sufficient to neglect our sexual responsibility.
Taking each other for granted most times leads to spouses cheating on each other. Do not leave your marriage life to chance. At times, what goes up does not necessarily come down. In essence, be a sensitive lover.
You must be able to code and decode your partner. Learn how to spice up your marital bed, look for avenues to keep the flame of romance, seduction, friendliness, and newness burning. Marriage is sweet; don’t lose your partner as a result of insensitivity.
Besides, outright denial of marital dues can lead to either of the spouses cheating on each other. When a spouse is denied of love, affection, appreciation and sex due to one flimsy excuse or the other, there is a possibility of seeking for such things outside the home. The Bible does not support a spouse denying themselves of marital rights. As a matter of fact, it actually says that we do not have ownership over our own bodies when it comes to sex. Even in the case of fasting and prayer, there must be mutual agreement and the consent of your spouse must be sought.
Do not permit sex, affection and understanding to become a scarce commodity in the home. There is a likelihood of searching for it outside by all means, simply because they are essential commodities. Just like air, water and food, they are things we need to grow. We cannot do without it.
Human beings are products of love who respond to affectionate gestures. That you are not romantic is an excuse. Learning to appreciate your spouse over the little or big things they do is a beautiful source of growth in marriage. Learn to display unexpected love and affection. Learn to ‘out-love’ your spouse, even when it is obvious that they do not deserve it. It is a magic that works wonder.
Do not be heady when it comes to learning for change. Do not deliberately hoard money. Let there be a free flow of money between both of you. In case of obvious short supply, let there be a display of honesty and sincerity, so that the temptation may not arise for the weaker partner. Spouses should not dogmatically display ownership right on money, nor should couples magnify properties.
For instance, when a spouse says ‘you can’t enter my car’ ‘if you are not pleased, you can leave my house,’ ‘don’t touch my television set.’ The habit of buying things in their names only or in the names of their parents goes a long way to negatively affect the other party, producing a sense of ‘I don’t think I belong here.’
To be continued.
It is always nice reading your column. I am a virgin at 28. People say I am very pretty and admirable. But I am scared of sex. This has caused failed relationships and I am worried. What do I do?
There is actually nothing to be afraid of. The most important thing is to marry a man that will love and respect you as a wife and a woman. When this is in place, you can then share your thoughts with him and ask him to help you work out the issue of sex together. I am sure things would actually fall in place. There’s nothing is scary about sex. It’s to be enjoyed. Have a better perspective towards it.
I am in my early thirties. I met a guy a year ago and we have started talking about settling down together. He has passed the tests that I, my family and pastor set for him and as a matter of fact, my parents and his are close. I really like him too, but the only challenge I have is that he has mouth odour. I noticed this three months ago. He is the kind of person I want to spend my entire life with, but the odour is really offensive to me. What can I do?
There is actually no problem. All you need to do is to introduce him to lots of good mouthwashes available and mints that could last for several hours. With wisdom, assist him to do a proper mouthwash whenever he is brushing his mouth. Do you know that mouth odour is a typical human thing? Due to the fact that some of us were not good at oral hygiene while we were younger and because of poor health information, some do not take proper care of the mouth. No matter how good the oral hygiene, mouths do smell because of the effect of germs and bacteria that work on the remnant of the pieces of food items left in the mouth cavity. That is why dentists recommend mouthwash at least twice a day.
I am writing on behalf of my elder sister who is married with three kids. Recently, she became pregnant and her husband asked her to abort it as he was not ready for another baby which she did. Now, she bleeds whenever they make love. She has been treated several times for infection but her husband refused to go for a test, not to talk of getting treated, especially when it is a well-known fact that he engages in extra-marital relationships.
I told her to use Ytacan insertion after her menses, but I don’t think that is the solution. Please help as I am very worried about her health. Should she bring our parents or her in-laws in on the matter? This is because all her pleas for him to go for a test have been unsuccessful.
I am sure your sister knows some people that your husband respects. Such people can be brought into the matter to talk to him. But this must be done with all wisdom.
Please, I need help. I am planning to get married next year and my boyfriend does not stay a minute before he ejaculates. It is very annoying, but I don’t know what to do.
There is no cause for alarm. Check out our solutions for premature ejaculation and also let your man see the doctor for urgent treatment.
How do I have sex with my wife and not get her pregnant and without using condom? How do I stay long at sex because I come too early and my wife is always complaining? I am tired of saying ‘sorry, it’s not my fault.’ What do I do?
There are ways to have sex with your wife without getting her pregnant. All you have to do is to take her to the Planned Parenthood Family Planning Center available in your town or city and let the officer advice you on the best family planning method and the appropriate one for her. Follow your doctor’s advice.
You can have and maintain erection as long as you want if you ask your wife to help you carry out Master and Johnson exercises and if you also carry out Kegel exercise otherwise called pelvic floor exercise. Also try not to be too anxious and exceptionally serious while having sex. Don’t entertain the fear that you are not going to satisfy your wife.
Culled from The Nation